It’s been another Christmas… poignant and merry. It was a Amy Grant who answered when asked if this Christmas would be bittersweet, she responded, anyone who has lived long enough experiences some sadness.
I have the most beautiful and wonderful family life as captured in this video put together by Apple AI before I was ever able to review the photos. And yet there were moments when I felt like a stranger, not because of them so much as because of me and my own self recriminations. I feel as though I see the passing of time in the eyes of my grandchildren who are now 8 and 10 years old. My baby girl, who is now in her 40’s and my darling wife, who is now …. As we both are now fully senior citizens. The car drive to Charlotte, one of many over the years, is so much more challenging. We debate, on the way, if this might be our last. We suspect that our daughter may be growing more distant than the mikes between us but then Lauren gave us the incredibly thoughtful gift of tickets to go to River Dance together. So now, rather than in another year, we will drive back in just a few weeks.
This year has brought me closer to facing death in the shear pain of my sciatic nerve but surgery saved me and gave me a new lease. Now I have even more understanding and more empathy for others dealing with the frailties of age and circumstances that are not really in theirs or my control. The war against Ukraine and the inhumanity of man to men and women and children keeps me up at night. Just like now, just like this. I am so incredibly lucky. So blessed. To be here, to be healthy gain, to have the love of family and the comforts of economic wealth. I went to the Salvation Shelter to donate my old hybrid bike yesterday. I brought it to the shelter but before finding staff I met a man who was seeking services. I said I was donating a bike and he said how he really needed a bike. It was the way he said it with such sincerity and such appreciation when I said it was his to have. He was so kind, so grateful, so humble. I was so happy and so honored to be able to give it too him and it brought a tear and the feelings I had when I worked for DSS at Christmas time. I felt so good and so filled with purpose. We barely had more money than the clients we were serving but we were serving and in those few days of helping families and delivering donated food and gifts I got to feel the feelings of purpose and reasons that I wanted to be a social worker. I had those feelings again for just a moment today. I reached out and shook his hand. He walked the bike into the fenced area of the shelter. He said God bless you to me and wished me good things. He said he could not take the bike because is did not belong to him but he hoped they would give it too him and I hope they do as well. We, nodded, acknowledging each other again with gratitude as we parted ways. He, into the shelter yard, me into my car. The stark contrast bringing tears to my eyes I quickly brushed aside.
I got back into my nice nearly new, clean, comfortable and warm car to go home. I’m looking forward to buying a new electric car in the next few weeks. I drove across town to my home that is bought and paid for. Everything that I have ever wanted, a woman to love, a car, a home, a beautiful daughter and a loving family and trusted friends all of this is now mine. Every wish I’ve ever made, every hope and every dream, has now come true. I am so incredibly fortunate, lucky, blessed. I know it, I take stock in it, I thank God for it and still I do not rest. I cannot close my eyes and sleep. It’s a kind of little personal curse I can’t shake so I spend at least a little of all this time writing all this stuff down in this little note pad. Thank you god and thank you life for giving me all that I have. Bless the man with the bike and give him shelter. Bless Ukraine and all the people who suffer. Bless my friends an my friend John for being as close as a brother and bless my sister who is my friend as well as my sister. Tess for loving me in her own and interesting ways. She has giving me a whole life of substance, identity and purpose and she has given me my daughter Lauren who redefined what love truly is.
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