Looking forward

 I like to have something to look forward too. Big things, little things, anything. I don’t think that’s unique but it is me. I like thinking, Okay the kids are coming next week. That’s something to look forward too, to get ready for, to think about, plan, be prepared for possibilities and scenarios. What do they want to eat? What to drink? Or… where should we go to eat and drink or what to see or do? This general plan of action takes place if it’s them coming to see me or if I’m going to see them. It’s something to look forward too. 

This enters into hiking and biking with friends. I started using Ride with GPS several years ago. It’s the ultimate planner and tracker. I can map out a route, then we follow the route and record our hike. It gives me purpose. It gives me something to do before during and after. I now have records of hundreds of miles of hikes and bike rides. I always thought that someday I would have the time and take the time to look back. To reminisce… 

In the meantime Tess has basically hated me for this behavior. She doesn’t hike. She doesn’t bike and she never liked to bike and she hates how much time I spend doing all that. And yes, when I think about it it does or has been quite an obsession. Well now… now I tore a hole in my back, or the surgeon did, trying to repair the arthritis that was crippling my left leg. Overnight I stopped all hiking and biking and all the planning that went with it. I haven’t taken any time to review and reminisce because one, I’m in shock and denial and two it’s not as interesting as I may have thought. 

So what am I to look forward too? The onslaught of Trump and Trumpsters who appear to be full of hate and snarkiness keeps me in a state of tension. I love my country, I love democracy and I love my wife, my family and friends.I am blessed on so many levels but these stressors, these idealistic concerns invade my sense of inner peace and self worth. I believe in Jesus. He is the way, the truth and the life. I believe that he laid out the route for us to follow. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Many Christians seem to have abandoned those teachings in favor of being Saved.

If I believed that God was there to grant my personal wishes, what would I ask for?

Please God…

Please give me money, I have money.

Please give me food and shelter, I have food and shelter.

Please give me love and friendship, I have love and friendship.

God has granted me everything I’ve ever prayed for to meet my personal needs and yet… and yet

Please God grant me peace of mind…

Peace of mind, something to look forward too. 

I am not suicidal. I’ll start there, just in case I ever share these thoughts or someone reads this. I am not suicidal but sometimes I feel like that is the only point at which I’ll experience true inner peace. An escape from the endless anxieties of life. Peace, love and happiness. That will be heaven. Where all of us eventually Rest In Peace. Ricky Gervais explained his comfort with his own death after the loss of his wife as his superpower and I get it. Tess is my reason to live. To love and to care for her. It’s our continued life together, our history and our future that give it all meaning and purpose. Eric opted out at 42, our greatest tragedy. Lauren just turned 43. She has a husband and two beautiful children. She has been our Angel, the source and object of our love. But what has happened to our America? Land of the free and home of the brave, representing truth, justice as the American way. I know that was Superman but that was just as much my motto as the pledge of allegiance. I don’t understand this fascination, love, obsession with guns, with assault weapons where Trumpsters have distilled the whole Constitution down to their version of the second amendment. I will never own a gun. I will never shoot a fellow American in anger. I could not live with myself. I’d rather be shot dead and sent to heaven. I still have things to look forward too. I love Tess. I want to be here and be able to take care of her. I want to pursue our quest with my best friend John. I want to hike with Chip and hear his excitement about the views of the mountains at the next bend in the trail. I want to continue conversations with my sister Linda, who also become my best friend. But I want to accept and embrace death as part of life. Look forward to being on the other side. I don’t like the idea of crossing but I want to do it gracefully without fear. Like my mom, who was and is my saint. She was so loving, so caring and so peaceful in her leaving. She never strayed from being our caretaking mom even as her own needs were there. She was and is my saint. She and Dad who each and both loved me in their ways. I want to be there for those I love as they were there for me. I want to live out my full life, try to be good and follow the ways of Jesus and leave a clean footprint when I’m gone.